White Elephant Love

Strange to know I have secrets now.

Years ago I made a pact-
Born of naiveté and
A dash of idealism-
That full disclosure would
Reign
For as God knows all
There are no secrets
And angels give testimony to our lives.

Strange to know I have secrets now.

How could she know
That I look at a wedding dress
Those effigies to artificial complexity
Then imagine her in those lacy rags
And suddenly find them beautiful.
And there is a feeling below my diaphragm
So that I am aware of breathing,
And reminded that I am alive,
And that is part of why I love her.

Someday, I will watch a man
Take her, make her happy
And I will laugh with her
Hold her when they fight
Cry when she is away because
It is not us fighting.

Strange to know I have secrets now-
Words too dangerous to write.
The truth is a burden now,
One too heavy to pass on.

Strange to know that I would lie now
To protect my darker side.
“Did you know,” I sometimes start,
But how can I finish?
I have lived long enough to know
That we are all the same
And the dark secrets that plague us
Are not a mark of inhumanity,
But a sign of humanity;
Who breathes free in the dark?
We can never let go, only forget—
For a time—
When we are too enthralled with
Life, and love
To nurse the careful miseries
We never share.
It is she who makes me forget
It is she who makes me remember

Sometimes I wonder,
When my hand rests too long on hers,
If she knows, and carries my love
Like a premonition of disaster.
Sometimes I wonder,
When I look too long into her eyes
Into the heart-stilling green
That turns to gray and stills again,
If she carries my adoration
Like a white elephant gift
From a beloved friend.

White elephant love.
Mi corazón, mi alma, mi amor,
For all the things I have never told you
And could never bear to say,
I offer instead my mind
That in your troubles you may find
The solace of friendship;
My heart, that in every need
You will know I will be there;
My life—and I beg God to allow me
Those precious moments
When my pain eases yours.